(182) Pragmatics

My friend and I have been attending a prayer meeting for almost two years. One day she asked me over dinner in an Indian Muslim restaurant, "I noticed you have been keeping silent even when a topic was raised that would interest you during the prayer meeting?"

My answer was I sensed that my contribution was not expected nor appreciated. I could neither justify nor prove it, but lingering feelings were there nevertheless. my friend, let us call her Kate here, said that she had not experienced it thus far.

Half a year later, she related her own experience during one prayer meeting when I was out of town. Kate opened her mouth and shared her knowledge about a new hand phone which she had researched when someone mentioned that she was not sure which type of hand phone to buy for her aged mum. Shortly after that sharing, a fourth person asked about some computer related subject, the youngest mother in the group refused to answer and smiled sweetly at Kate and said she deferred to the expert. Now that statement was laced with saccharin and the pointed stare was filled with venom. Kate told me that she felt like she was in a nightmare and something improbable was happening.

Kate asked me if she was going crazy? I laughed and said that it probably happened exactly as she related even if I was not there. I was not surprise at all! Personally I went through something similar, an equally sweet remark came from a demure, loving, proper lady who was actually the hidden leader of the group. There was nothing wrong with her suggestion, her body language nor any mannerism. But I distinctly felt rebuked for sharing my experience and hands on knowledge with a younger mother who needed help. We were told gently to form a new interest group for special education. In other words, the mother who asked the questions should not have taken everybody's time. I should not have consumed collective time by answering. That was the very last time I contributed in that group. I continued to attend irregularly and phased myself out gradually.

While I responded by slowly distancing myself from this group, I have joined another group where the agenda is on the table and everyone is free to keep quiet and speak his or her piece by choice. My objective is simple, I want to pray in a group, be encouraged and if possible I will encourage others.

There is really no need to be part of a group that involves not only group dynamics but where I have to deal with an unexpected set of pragmatics. According to my son, Michael, there is a small group of people who could neither sense nor learn these unwritten rules which no one talks about. Such a group of people would always feel like outsiders and would never be accepted by the normal folks. I wonder if Kate and I are marginally part of this group of "weird" outcasts? Why did I take two years to realize that there is nothing wrong with me? If the earlier of folks thrives on absolute control, then they would have to do it without my support. It may take Kate longer to decide to leave.