(141) Friends forever/ upbringing 6

As we continue to make new friends, how do we find time to keep in touch with old friends?

Well, I'll share a few tips I observed from Elizabeth:
1. She has a note book dedicated to record birthdays. Every week she checks her records on Sunday to post sms reminder in her hand phone. At 5am on the birthday of let's say Sasha, the alarm would ring and Elizabeth would send off her pre-typed birthday sms for Sasha for that year.

2. She makes a point of returning to our adopted hometown at least once a year to visit and meet up with her old school friends. They would arrange to have a group meeting in the local mall for a meal or a bowling session. Everyone could come for part or whole of the activity.

3. I recycle all kinds of things in my home. Since we live in the affluent part of town, some of the items that pass through my hands are practically brand new. If any item, be it clothing or toy or stationery, reminds her of a friend(2), she would appropriate it for that friend(2) Later she would make arrangement for it to be passed from one friend(1)'s cousin to that friend (1) onto  friend(2). Friend (1) lives two hundred miles away but meets her cousin often. The cousin studies in Elizabeth's present school.

4. She keeps in touch with whoever that writes to her, be it in Facebook, e-mail, or snail mail. I know it sound unreal, as teenagers are notoriously busy. Even if she could access e-mail once a week, or write long hand only once a month, she persists.

By now, we have left our beloved town at least five years. The last reunion Elizabeth attended was a farewell dinner to send off her good friend to College a few thousand miles away. Fourteen girls attended. I think all my effort in helping my daughter to keep her child hood friends was well worth it.

(139) A colorful character/ Upbringing 5

Out of all my daughter's friends, perhaps Sharifah is the most unforgettable. She was in Keziah's class throughout elementary school. Most of the teachers would remember her as the most talkative. I remember her as the only one who did not cry after she had to walk out of class to pick up her exercise book that was thrown out. She was tough.

Out of all the girls' that had braces, she alone chose shocking pink wires. As she grew older, Keziah was placed in one class while Sharifah went into another. I lost track of her for a few years. Yesterday I met Keziah's friend, Jane, who attends the same college as Sharifah.

For a while, all the past exploits of Sharifah was aired, everyone had a good laugh over this girl who seemed to have nine lives and consistently land on her nimble feet.

Her latest was to cut classes until she was in danger of being barred from exam. All because of the bad influence of an undesirable boyfriend. Yet note this, even with warning after warning, she emerged the top student last year. We shall see how long she can avoid the pitfall of her risky behavior!

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(138) An unusual love story/ Love is blind 3

A few days ago, I met a lovely old lady and heard about her love story. In her early twenties she was courted by a young man of a different race. He came straight to her house on a feast day and quite naturally declared his intentions.

Over the subsequent months, he quietly followed her around, bought things for her and generally made his presence felt. Looking at him, he was the boyfriend of any girl's dream. He was handsome, hard-working, came from a well-to-do family and loved her passionately. She told him off, making him understand that she did not want to marry out of her race. She encouraged him to be interested in another girl of his own race. She even chased him out of her house with a broom. But the next day he came back.

To get her own life back, she told him to upgrade himself as an accountant. Willingly he left for further studies in UK. Breathing a sigh of relief, she happily went on working and juggled her many suitors. Letters kept coming from our devoted Romeo. Many packages arrived periodically. After a few years, as the date of Romeo's return drew near, Julia panicked.

She hastily picked one of her boyfriends and got married. When Romeo returned, she was heavily pregnant with her first son. He cried in front of her office, she also cried. She felt bad about deceiving him, but what could she do otherwise? He just simply refused to give up.

Fast forward many years, she is eighty one today. Her husband passed away last year. She chanced to meet Romeo's cousin the other day and got a hold of his telephone number. He was unwell, had diabetes and high blood pressure. They had a nice chat over the phone. Who knows, perhaps they would meet again and be friends?

(137) A fresh start/ Upbringing 4

When we were still residing in Silver City, my daughter Keziah attended a girls' school. One year she chose to sign up for extra Mathematics classes. Being a homemaker, I ended up fetching three other girls to and from classes.

Let us look at one of the three girls, we shall call her Crystal. Crystal comes from old wealth. She lives in an exclusive part of town, it is almost a mansion. Her dad is a business man. Her mum is a busy professional. She has two older brothers. When she was thirteen years old, she fell into the company of a group of girls who constantly challenged the authority of their teachers. Slowly, she changed. First she cut her shoulder length hair short. Then she started having her school shirt's top few buttons open. Gradually even the buckle of her skirt is left undone.

Crystal's grades dropped. She became rebellious. The blow hit when she was caught kissing another girl in the gym. The girls involved, both set of parents were called for a conference. With parental consent, both girls were sent for counselling. I was shocked when I met Crystal about a year after the incident. Her eyes looked dead. There was no lustre, no gleam and her face was expressionless. Looking back, it must have been hell for her to be in the same school with hundreds of female pointing fingers at her as well as making snide comments.

It is now many years later, I am happy to say that her parents made the correct decision in sending her  out of state to college. She qualified for a prestigious Law program in a famous university. When we met her last week in a friend's house, she looked happy again. A fresh start with a brand new group of friends helps tremendously.

(136) Pocket money/ Upbringing 3

It is rather difficult to strike a balance between being too strict or too liberal when it comes to parenting. Let us look at two scenarios:
1. A well to do couple hardly gave any pocket money to their child.
2. A comfortably off couple being very generous to their child. When mum hits a small lottery winning,   she gave $200 for the  13 year old girl to shop. The teenager bought a cap that costs $135, among a few things.

While in case number one, the child would have no practice in making spending decisions, girl in case number two was already making frivolous decisions at a tender age. Neither case is ideal.

If husband and wife can agree, pocket money should be given daily and in small amounts to train the child in learning to make smart decisions. When the child understands about budgeting, perhaps he can then learn to handle weekly and then monthly allowance. Gradually as the child grows older and proves trustworthy, pocket money should be increased yearly according to the need. Of course it would be wonderful to train the child to start saving from young.

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(135) Family friends/ upbringing 2

How Elizabeth brought friends into my life

It is surprising that while many mums of Elizabeth's friends watched her closely for years, only two mothers seemed to link the child with her family. The first car pool with me, effectively having the two girls spending much time together daily. The second invited my family to her life group. Since life groups meet weekly, for many years we were close.

The first mum sells fruits. She is very busy with her business and works long hours. Implicitly she trusted me with her child. I suppose it never occur to her that my daughter is bright due to genetic inheritance alone. She has great faith that I would be able to influence her child in a good way. She never doubt that I could help bring out the full potential in her girl.

At this point I must state that I have had no training in teaching whatsoever. Since I was thirteen years old I had been a home tutor to pupils younger than I. After my high school graduation I taught temporarily in a public school substituting a teacher on maternity leave. After my first child was born I started lecturing in English on a part-time basis. Shortly after my last child was born I lost the ability to walk and had to stop working for a few years.

The second mum is a specialist doctor. From day one when she heard that Elizabeth could copy from the black board faster than most girls, she encouraged her child to befriend mine. A week later she asked for my home phone number and dropped by to introduce herself. Since then they have been such blessings to us. Whenever my husband and I had to leave town, they had hosted Elizabeth. With such generous support, we were able to go on mission trips when Elizabeth was young.

It is interesting to note that the first mum is a Buddhist. The second mum is a committed Christian. My daughter had the privilege of having good friends who are from different faiths. Just two days ago I met her pre-university classmate who is a Baha'i. At that time, a few of them were studying Economics together in McDonald's.

If I did anything right with Elizabeth, it was giving her a good childhood in a small town. The added bonus of community living in a rural place actually added value to her upbringing. The simplicity of unhurried life made it possible for a few families to meet often. I met a handful of mothers online, most of them transferred from the capital city or out of town. We were so close that we watched over each others' children. When one of us caught another's child misbehaving we would censure the child immediately and take some time to explain why it was not acceptable. It is actually advantageous to have more than one mother figure in a child's life. The consistent boundary set and kept contributed to a well behaved child with a healthy self image. The confident way she carries herself attracted many friends. With a big number of potential friends to choose from, she was able to form lasting friendships. Even though years later she had to uproot and move to another city, the good foundation enabled her to adjust well. The move from a city to a small town was ordained by God, certainly a not human choice. Hence I have a lot to thank God for.

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(134) Upbringing

Elaine's mum

Elaine was Elizabeth's buddy in play school. I bumped into Elaine's mum and struck up a friendship. Since they lived just a few doors away on the next street then, we saw each other often for a few years.

From the beginning I sensed that Mrs Johnson was contriving to find out how I brought Elizabeth up. To her many varied questions, I tried to be candid and answered as clearly as I could. It was almost comical to see her shocked to hear about my methods of learning by playing. She rejected my theory of letting the child express herself within bounds. With that in mind, I did not want to talk about the building of a healthy self image. She just could not subscribe to these what she considered as new fangled ideas.

 I remember one of the last visits I had with her before I moved away. She told me she believed Elizabeth was outstanding because of inherited genes. After all, my husband had one brother from Stanford and two sisters from Oxford. Possibly that is an important factor that I was blessed with a child of great potential. But it was sad that she was not even open to consider non-traditional methods of child rearing.


 

(133) An unlikely choice/ love is blind 2

There is an accountant who spurned many suitors, among them doctors, engineers and lawyers. Years later, she married a much older man who had barely completed his basic high school education. I can imagine the thought forming in your head: aha! She must be old and ugly. Not true. She looked a little sweet and had a slim build. At the point of marriage, she was only in her early thirties.

The marriage thrived. They had five children together. After twenty years, she aged but he remained himself. Miracle of miracles, he actually looked younger than her. He was in his sixties but she was barely touching fifty.

There seemed to be no rights or wrongs about how one chooses his or her spouse. Some seemed perfectly matched but end up in divorce. Others made odd choices yet build stable family units.