My friend and I have been attending a prayer meeting for almost two years. One day she asked me over dinner in an Indian Muslim restaurant, "I noticed you have been keeping silent even when a topic was raised that would interest you during the prayer meeting?"
My answer was I sensed that my contribution was not expected nor appreciated. I could neither justify nor prove it, but lingering feelings were there nevertheless. my friend, let us call her Kate here, said that she had not experienced it thus far.
Half a year later, she related her own experience during one prayer meeting when I was out of town. Kate opened her mouth and shared her knowledge about a new hand phone which she had researched when someone mentioned that she was not sure which type of hand phone to buy for her aged mum. Shortly after that sharing, a fourth person asked about some computer related subject, the youngest mother in the group refused to answer and smiled sweetly at Kate and said she deferred to the expert. Now that statement was laced with saccharin and the pointed stare was filled with venom. Kate told me that she felt like she was in a nightmare and something improbable was happening.
Kate asked me if she was going crazy? I laughed and said that it probably happened exactly as she related even if I was not there. I was not surprise at all! Personally I went through something similar, an equally sweet remark came from a demure, loving, proper lady who was actually the hidden leader of the group. There was nothing wrong with her suggestion, her body language nor any mannerism. But I distinctly felt rebuked for sharing my experience and hands on knowledge with a younger mother who needed help. We were told gently to form a new interest group for special education. In other words, the mother who asked the questions should not have taken everybody's time. I should not have consumed collective time by answering. That was the very last time I contributed in that group. I continued to attend irregularly and phased myself out gradually.
While I responded by slowly distancing myself from this group, I have joined another group where the agenda is on the table and everyone is free to keep quiet and speak his or her piece by choice. My objective is simple, I want to pray in a group, be encouraged and if possible I will encourage others.
There is really no need to be part of a group that involves not only group dynamics but where I have to deal with an unexpected set of pragmatics. According to my son, Michael, there is a small group of people who could neither sense nor learn these unwritten rules which no one talks about. Such a group of people would always feel like outsiders and would never be accepted by the normal folks. I wonder if Kate and I are marginally part of this group of "weird" outcasts? Why did I take two years to realize that there is nothing wrong with me? If the earlier of folks thrives on absolute control, then they would have to do it without my support. It may take Kate longer to decide to leave.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
(181) News
My grand ma had a saying in Cantonese: even at a hundred years old, one still hears of something new.
Recently, I heard through the grapevine that a rather indulgent mother claimed that she was beaten by her eldest daughter. Since I do not personally know this woman nor her daughter, I cannot speculate further.
But I do know of another case. One rich lady adopted a female baby in the former's late forties. To the former's credit, she did bring up three lawyers and two accountants. Sad to say, she did not bring up this adopted child in a wise way. Instead, she indulged in the latter's every whim. For every sensible parent, we know what instant gratification leads to: the making of one big ego and an ongoing list of wishes.
Twenty years later, the adoptive mom was in her sixties. By then she was suffering from high blood pressure and diabetes. This sickly woman is the attention seeking type. She thought nothing of calling her working children with all types of pretext to get them to visit her during working hours. After a while, none of her children would answer her phone calls at work. Thus was her own downfall: one morning she was not feeling well but no help was in sight. When someone finally came after work, she sustained some brain damage because of a mild heart attack.
Soon after, more phone calls and sms deluge her children, this time claiming that the adopted daughter beat her and drew blood. Her children were at wit's end with this new tactic until they spent much money in installing CCTV in every room. Once images of the living area are on line, the SOS call stopped.
I cannot help but wonder if this similar technological solution would help in the first case. Would mother and daughter push and whack each other if they know fully well that full video would be recorded and other members of the family could access it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
Recently, I heard through the grapevine that a rather indulgent mother claimed that she was beaten by her eldest daughter. Since I do not personally know this woman nor her daughter, I cannot speculate further.
But I do know of another case. One rich lady adopted a female baby in the former's late forties. To the former's credit, she did bring up three lawyers and two accountants. Sad to say, she did not bring up this adopted child in a wise way. Instead, she indulged in the latter's every whim. For every sensible parent, we know what instant gratification leads to: the making of one big ego and an ongoing list of wishes.
Twenty years later, the adoptive mom was in her sixties. By then she was suffering from high blood pressure and diabetes. This sickly woman is the attention seeking type. She thought nothing of calling her working children with all types of pretext to get them to visit her during working hours. After a while, none of her children would answer her phone calls at work. Thus was her own downfall: one morning she was not feeling well but no help was in sight. When someone finally came after work, she sustained some brain damage because of a mild heart attack.
Soon after, more phone calls and sms deluge her children, this time claiming that the adopted daughter beat her and drew blood. Her children were at wit's end with this new tactic until they spent much money in installing CCTV in every room. Once images of the living area are on line, the SOS call stopped.
I cannot help but wonder if this similar technological solution would help in the first case. Would mother and daughter push and whack each other if they know fully well that full video would be recorded and other members of the family could access it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
Friday, November 9, 2012
(106) Curfew
When my eldest left home to further his studies, I was more concerned that he made good friends in the capital. I did not give him any rules about when to return to his hostel. After all, he was so quiet and homey that he hardly went out throughout his teenage years.
When we located a mattress that was in fairly good shape that one friend of mine would like to give to Kenneth, his father found one friend who agreed to loan us his van for transporting the item to Ken's hostel. I remember calling him hourly from five pm to one am on a Friday night. He did not answer. The next day, we drove to his hostel armed with the phone number of his resident head just in case he was not there to let us into his room. He was there, sleeping after a late night. I was really more taken aback than upset that he was out "teh-tarik" until 2 am the previous night and he forgot to take his hand phone with him. (it is a local beverage of red tea+milk+sugar, hot but being poured from one container to another to add air bubbles to the mixture to make smooth the texture)
Now that my youngest is in university second year, I am still enforcing a curfew of 12 midnight (been doing that since she was 15). Well! She is totally different from her brother. If the week-end is made up of three days, she would be out three days in a row. Should she promise to return by X hour, nine times out of ten she would return at least fifteen minutes after the aforementioned hour. If she is Cinderella, she would stand much chance of being turned into a pumpkin if she return past the appointed hour. If we were to argue nature versus nurture, I suppose nature would account for the opposite temperaments. The kind of friends they attract would account for the disparage amount of activities between the two. Yet they came from the same set of parents.
When we located a mattress that was in fairly good shape that one friend of mine would like to give to Kenneth, his father found one friend who agreed to loan us his van for transporting the item to Ken's hostel. I remember calling him hourly from five pm to one am on a Friday night. He did not answer. The next day, we drove to his hostel armed with the phone number of his resident head just in case he was not there to let us into his room. He was there, sleeping after a late night. I was really more taken aback than upset that he was out "teh-tarik" until 2 am the previous night and he forgot to take his hand phone with him. (it is a local beverage of red tea+milk+sugar, hot but being poured from one container to another to add air bubbles to the mixture to make smooth the texture)
Now that my youngest is in university second year, I am still enforcing a curfew of 12 midnight (been doing that since she was 15). Well! She is totally different from her brother. If the week-end is made up of three days, she would be out three days in a row. Should she promise to return by X hour, nine times out of ten she would return at least fifteen minutes after the aforementioned hour. If she is Cinderella, she would stand much chance of being turned into a pumpkin if she return past the appointed hour. If we were to argue nature versus nurture, I suppose nature would account for the opposite temperaments. The kind of friends they attract would account for the disparage amount of activities between the two. Yet they came from the same set of parents.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
(105) Bullies became friends
Recently I read that a fourteen year old boy was beaten by two school mates(both male) to death in a bus stop. According to the columnist who commented on the tragedy, it was a case of bullying carried to excess. The deceased was the only son of his parents, he was being picked on because "he walked funny".
This piece of news brought to mind Kenneth's(my eldest son) brush with two bullies when they were nine years old. At that age, Kenneth was over weight and rather shy. He came home complaining that his two classmates took his water bottle and forced him to run after them while they threw the container one to the other. I am normally optimistic, while not agreeing to giving him extra money for drinks( thus dispensing with bringing plain drinking water); I did allow him to start using a disposable mineral bottle.
A week later, they did the same with an exercise book that Kenneth had to hand up after recess. While I still thought positively that they were trying to rouse Kenneth to play with them, I set about preparing goodies for him to bring to school. I baked some scrumptious short bread and packed extra, encouraging Kenneth to share with his friends, including those two playful boys who gave him a hard time. Kenneth returned with an empty food container and told me that one of those boys took some pieces of short bread but the other refused. Other classmates finished the lot.
The next day, I took the trouble to drive out of my way to buy a loaf of delicious banana bread. I cut a third of it into bite size and packed them attractively into two disposable containers. My instruction was for Kenneth to eat from one while offering the other to the friend who enjoyed the short cake. At the end of the day, Kenneth came back reporting that his friend took the small container and persuaded the other to try one piece. Quite a few of his classmates came over to help them finish the rest.
Thereafter, I would either prepare or buy some goodies or others at least once a week and let Kenneth take more than he needed to school. In this case, those two boys became his friends eventually. For it is difficult to have children partake treats from another and continue to be mean to him. Many years have passed, Kenneth found out from Facebook that the boy who ate his short bread will be a qualified medical doctor next year.
This piece of news brought to mind Kenneth's(my eldest son) brush with two bullies when they were nine years old. At that age, Kenneth was over weight and rather shy. He came home complaining that his two classmates took his water bottle and forced him to run after them while they threw the container one to the other. I am normally optimistic, while not agreeing to giving him extra money for drinks( thus dispensing with bringing plain drinking water); I did allow him to start using a disposable mineral bottle.
A week later, they did the same with an exercise book that Kenneth had to hand up after recess. While I still thought positively that they were trying to rouse Kenneth to play with them, I set about preparing goodies for him to bring to school. I baked some scrumptious short bread and packed extra, encouraging Kenneth to share with his friends, including those two playful boys who gave him a hard time. Kenneth returned with an empty food container and told me that one of those boys took some pieces of short bread but the other refused. Other classmates finished the lot.
The next day, I took the trouble to drive out of my way to buy a loaf of delicious banana bread. I cut a third of it into bite size and packed them attractively into two disposable containers. My instruction was for Kenneth to eat from one while offering the other to the friend who enjoyed the short cake. At the end of the day, Kenneth came back reporting that his friend took the small container and persuaded the other to try one piece. Quite a few of his classmates came over to help them finish the rest.
Thereafter, I would either prepare or buy some goodies or others at least once a week and let Kenneth take more than he needed to school. In this case, those two boys became his friends eventually. For it is difficult to have children partake treats from another and continue to be mean to him. Many years have passed, Kenneth found out from Facebook that the boy who ate his short bread will be a qualified medical doctor next year.
Friday, October 19, 2012
(84) The Ghost of Thomas Kempe by Penelope Lively
Right at the beginning, I must state that this is not meant to be Christian propaganda. It is the record of my personal belief.
When a bag of books was given to the proposed library in a college town, this was one of them. I took one look at the title and realize that it would not fit the Christian library setting. It went to the reject pile. A week later I sorted through the reject pile and noted the ghost book was published by Heinemann New Windmills. Now I must admit that throughout my teaching days and reading years, every book Heinemann books I have come across has been of a certain high standard.
Accordingly, this book went into the to-be-read box. Last night I finally read it. While I would hesitate to give it to a young child, I guess most teenager would be able to handle such issues as the Poltergeist and exorcism. Reading about such topics reminded me of two actual cases that I came across in Silver City.
Personally I think that upon death, human souls would go to heaven or hell. What was left behind that could masquerade as the deceased are familiar spirits. Just like our guardian angels, familiar spirits are fallen angels that would follow us everyday of our lives. I was present at my father's death bed. As I prayed to God about my father's destination after life, I have a dream within weeks of his death that comforted me greatly. Therefore I am convinced that as soon as I enter heaven, I will look for him in the heavenly library or any gathering places for scholars.
While I was in Silver City, a church friend accompanied her unbelieving sister to read tarot cards. When the said friend returned home, there was manifestation in her house. Vases would fall and lighter stuff would fly like there was a Category one storm happening in the family home. The church prayer team came, they have a praise session with bible reading, prayers and my friend confessed that she sinned by ignorance and repented. The leader anointed every door and window with olive oil and everything returned to normal.
The second case was a little more frightening, my husband's colleague was a demanding mother. Her first born son was depressed over struggling to meet the exacting standards of expectation in all things academic. He started seeing the School Psychologist but sad to say he had a failed suicide attempt. It seemed a church group went to exorcise some demons that brought a death wish to the youth. Thank God it was successful, today the son just graduated from some college. My husband who met the family by chance recently, he said that the eldest son put on some weight and looked rather relax.
The Ghost of Thomas Kempe is a work of fiction written to entertain youth. While I do not agree with the methods of exorcism that sounded much like Harry Porter, it is not a bad book if the parents care enough to explain things right in the beginning before letting the children read such books. I really disagree with the view that Christian children are only allowed to read Christian books: I think that is an unnecessarily narrow way of upbringing.
When a bag of books was given to the proposed library in a college town, this was one of them. I took one look at the title and realize that it would not fit the Christian library setting. It went to the reject pile. A week later I sorted through the reject pile and noted the ghost book was published by Heinemann New Windmills. Now I must admit that throughout my teaching days and reading years, every book Heinemann books I have come across has been of a certain high standard.
Accordingly, this book went into the to-be-read box. Last night I finally read it. While I would hesitate to give it to a young child, I guess most teenager would be able to handle such issues as the Poltergeist and exorcism. Reading about such topics reminded me of two actual cases that I came across in Silver City.
Personally I think that upon death, human souls would go to heaven or hell. What was left behind that could masquerade as the deceased are familiar spirits. Just like our guardian angels, familiar spirits are fallen angels that would follow us everyday of our lives. I was present at my father's death bed. As I prayed to God about my father's destination after life, I have a dream within weeks of his death that comforted me greatly. Therefore I am convinced that as soon as I enter heaven, I will look for him in the heavenly library or any gathering places for scholars.
While I was in Silver City, a church friend accompanied her unbelieving sister to read tarot cards. When the said friend returned home, there was manifestation in her house. Vases would fall and lighter stuff would fly like there was a Category one storm happening in the family home. The church prayer team came, they have a praise session with bible reading, prayers and my friend confessed that she sinned by ignorance and repented. The leader anointed every door and window with olive oil and everything returned to normal.
The second case was a little more frightening, my husband's colleague was a demanding mother. Her first born son was depressed over struggling to meet the exacting standards of expectation in all things academic. He started seeing the School Psychologist but sad to say he had a failed suicide attempt. It seemed a church group went to exorcise some demons that brought a death wish to the youth. Thank God it was successful, today the son just graduated from some college. My husband who met the family by chance recently, he said that the eldest son put on some weight and looked rather relax.
The Ghost of Thomas Kempe is a work of fiction written to entertain youth. While I do not agree with the methods of exorcism that sounded much like Harry Porter, it is not a bad book if the parents care enough to explain things right in the beginning before letting the children read such books. I really disagree with the view that Christian children are only allowed to read Christian books: I think that is an unnecessarily narrow way of upbringing.
Monday, September 10, 2012
(52) Friends with Benefits
I have three friends, Amy, Betty and Cathy. They each have one, two and three sons respectively.
One day we talked about the morals of teenagers. Each of them had something to say. Amy lives in New Zealand. She related how her son had a girl friend while in University. While the son and the girl friend had never shared a room in her house, she knows that they had sexual relations in Uni and on trips. Since she is old fashion, she did talk to him about ruining the girl friend's prospects of a good marriage if he uses up her youth and then dumps her. Anyway, they broke up upon graduation. What she could not understand is the fact that they broke up amicably after a three night and four day stay in a really out of the way beach resort.
That disclosure brought confession out of Betty, remember Betty has two sons. Her second son had a girl friend in Pre-University. Although the son went to study in UK but the girl friend went to Australia, the on and off relationship lasted five years before they called it quits. Once again, both went on a week long farewell trip before parting.
Cathy has three sons. The youngest has the best look and is six foot tall. He studies in Singapore. According to the mum, he is in his second year in engineering but is currently dating his third girl friend. Needless to say, it is like the TV show "Friends with Benefits". She sighed and said she did not know what this generation has come to! After all, all of us know that Amy, Betty and Cathy each married their first boy friends. Although all three met their beloved abroad, it was unlikely they could move in with their heart-throbs. They have brothers and sisters in the same apartments watching over the conduct of each other.
They all look at me, I said nothing about my sons. Well, neither have brought any girl home. As long as each is serious about his walk with God, it is unlikely they would get ensnared in illicit sexual relationships. Kenneth is preparing to be a missionary. Not only he needs to find a spouse who loves and obeys God, he really needs to find someone with the same type of calling so that she would be willing to relocate to the ends of the earth for God's purposes. At this point it hits me that as believers, we are in the world but not of the world. We may reside in South East Asia but our citizenship is really in heaven. We are but travelers passing through for seventy to eighty years.
One day we talked about the morals of teenagers. Each of them had something to say. Amy lives in New Zealand. She related how her son had a girl friend while in University. While the son and the girl friend had never shared a room in her house, she knows that they had sexual relations in Uni and on trips. Since she is old fashion, she did talk to him about ruining the girl friend's prospects of a good marriage if he uses up her youth and then dumps her. Anyway, they broke up upon graduation. What she could not understand is the fact that they broke up amicably after a three night and four day stay in a really out of the way beach resort.
That disclosure brought confession out of Betty, remember Betty has two sons. Her second son had a girl friend in Pre-University. Although the son went to study in UK but the girl friend went to Australia, the on and off relationship lasted five years before they called it quits. Once again, both went on a week long farewell trip before parting.
Cathy has three sons. The youngest has the best look and is six foot tall. He studies in Singapore. According to the mum, he is in his second year in engineering but is currently dating his third girl friend. Needless to say, it is like the TV show "Friends with Benefits". She sighed and said she did not know what this generation has come to! After all, all of us know that Amy, Betty and Cathy each married their first boy friends. Although all three met their beloved abroad, it was unlikely they could move in with their heart-throbs. They have brothers and sisters in the same apartments watching over the conduct of each other.
They all look at me, I said nothing about my sons. Well, neither have brought any girl home. As long as each is serious about his walk with God, it is unlikely they would get ensnared in illicit sexual relationships. Kenneth is preparing to be a missionary. Not only he needs to find a spouse who loves and obeys God, he really needs to find someone with the same type of calling so that she would be willing to relocate to the ends of the earth for God's purposes. At this point it hits me that as believers, we are in the world but not of the world. We may reside in South East Asia but our citizenship is really in heaven. We are but travelers passing through for seventy to eighty years.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
(29) For Now, Forever by Nora Roberts
Daniel is the father of Allan, Caine and Serena. Roberts wrote three books covering these individuals, their spouses, one cousin of Daniel and a brother of Allan's wife.
Borrowing what Mrs Higgs said on page 112: falling in love is like riding a roller coaster
being in love is like going round a carousel
staying in love is like being in a maze
There is a well publicized case in my country: a school teacher was about to marry her sweetheart. The day before he was to say I do, he died mysteriously in some corruption investigation. Since the marriage was hastened by the impending arrival of a baby, this poor lady went on to deliver her son in the traumatic aftermath of the untimely death of her intended. To "make" the heir legitimate, she submitted to a "Taoist marriage" with a ghost in the yin world.
Daniel wanted to marry Anna right from the first moment of meeting her. But Anna was not willing to give up her lifelong dream of becoming a surgeon. Therefore she compromised: she lived with her beloved until her graduation. Well, she is lucky in that she was able to have her cake and eat it.
Three old friends of Elizabeth came to celebrate her birthday from Silver City. I grabbed hold of the golden opportunity to tell them a story or two. It took half an hour to transport them from the subway station to my place, I have a captive audience along the way. I have known these girls since they were seven years old. Since one of them recently snared a boy friend and just came back from visiting his parents, it is time to talk about Aids. A friend of mine is a General Practitioner in Singapore, she counted five single girls from good backgrounds who came for HIV tests in her clinic last month. Each of the five girls has only one sexual partner, the guy they planned to marry. Sad to say, three of them tested positive.
There is this 24 year old handsome young man I have known very well all his life. He is on to the fourth girl friend now. Well, it is like the program Friends with Benefits. Since he was abroad for almost five years, I really don't know how many sexual partners he has had. Within a period of two weeks, he has had stomach problems and purged many times. For his parents' sake, I certainly hope it is just a case of poor food choices.
Borrowing what Mrs Higgs said on page 112: falling in love is like riding a roller coaster
being in love is like going round a carousel
staying in love is like being in a maze
There is a well publicized case in my country: a school teacher was about to marry her sweetheart. The day before he was to say I do, he died mysteriously in some corruption investigation. Since the marriage was hastened by the impending arrival of a baby, this poor lady went on to deliver her son in the traumatic aftermath of the untimely death of her intended. To "make" the heir legitimate, she submitted to a "Taoist marriage" with a ghost in the yin world.
Daniel wanted to marry Anna right from the first moment of meeting her. But Anna was not willing to give up her lifelong dream of becoming a surgeon. Therefore she compromised: she lived with her beloved until her graduation. Well, she is lucky in that she was able to have her cake and eat it.
Three old friends of Elizabeth came to celebrate her birthday from Silver City. I grabbed hold of the golden opportunity to tell them a story or two. It took half an hour to transport them from the subway station to my place, I have a captive audience along the way. I have known these girls since they were seven years old. Since one of them recently snared a boy friend and just came back from visiting his parents, it is time to talk about Aids. A friend of mine is a General Practitioner in Singapore, she counted five single girls from good backgrounds who came for HIV tests in her clinic last month. Each of the five girls has only one sexual partner, the guy they planned to marry. Sad to say, three of them tested positive.
There is this 24 year old handsome young man I have known very well all his life. He is on to the fourth girl friend now. Well, it is like the program Friends with Benefits. Since he was abroad for almost five years, I really don't know how many sexual partners he has had. Within a period of two weeks, he has had stomach problems and purged many times. For his parents' sake, I certainly hope it is just a case of poor food choices.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
(968) Colander brain
Elizabeth came back from uni and moaned,"My friend told me that I have asked her three times about the same thing and I still can't remember the little fact of her back ground! What is wrong with me?"
It is a good thing I have put my free time to good use while she was growing up. I used to take students that nobody wanted to teach and attempt to make pig's ears into silk purse. One thing that I came across very frequently is what I call colander brain. No matter how smart a child is, if he or she displays some symptoms of learning disability, chances are I will fight against this short coming in tutoring. In simple terms, I will teach and reteach certain simple pieces of fact for months until I feel like strangling the child or I want to sit there and laugh at myself. Why should a sane and some what intelligent home maker like me want to attempt the impossible? After all, I was no longer ambitious and I didn't really need the extra income. Yet time and again I was stupid enough to take on challenges I was not exactly trained for. That way, I had to pray for God to help me, I suppose!
Back to Elizabeth, my advice to her is to apologize and admit that she actually still suffers from some remnant of learning problems that somehow her brain is wired differently from most other people. Don't get me wrong, she has a fantastic memory for songs, music, lyrics, music score, musician's history and things of that kind. But she has to turn to me to ask me what her friends are studying in uni, what gift to buy for one friend ... I actually filed up all her friends' likes and dislikes through the years that I have chosen some very suitable gifts on her behalf.
One old friend of mine who was in denial throughout her sons' upbringing finally admitted it took her about six years to help her son to learn January to December. She sent her son to a Chinese elementary school. The Mandarin way of naming the months is 1 month, 2 month, 3 month instead of January, February, March ... Of course it was difficult for him to learn the English way of naming the months while he was studying in a Chinese environment. It probably made no sense for him at that point to learn such "nonsense". Anyway, he is studying in a premier Australian university now. All that struggle is worth it. But during those frustrating years, either the son, the mom or both would end up crying after half an hour's session together working on things of this kind.
Through my years of working with LD, I have not come across two individuals that have the same problems. While we can kind of categorize the type of similar problems, no one can draw a line and say that dyslexia is like this and autism is like that. Problems often overlap. What works for one child may not necessarily work for another. If you don't love children and have no extra patience to put up with their idiosyncrasies, special education is probably not for you. If you have an LD child and you lack patience to teach him or her, then be prepared to go out and make plenty of money to pay specialist tutors to do your job.
It is a good thing I have put my free time to good use while she was growing up. I used to take students that nobody wanted to teach and attempt to make pig's ears into silk purse. One thing that I came across very frequently is what I call colander brain. No matter how smart a child is, if he or she displays some symptoms of learning disability, chances are I will fight against this short coming in tutoring. In simple terms, I will teach and reteach certain simple pieces of fact for months until I feel like strangling the child or I want to sit there and laugh at myself. Why should a sane and some what intelligent home maker like me want to attempt the impossible? After all, I was no longer ambitious and I didn't really need the extra income. Yet time and again I was stupid enough to take on challenges I was not exactly trained for. That way, I had to pray for God to help me, I suppose!
Back to Elizabeth, my advice to her is to apologize and admit that she actually still suffers from some remnant of learning problems that somehow her brain is wired differently from most other people. Don't get me wrong, she has a fantastic memory for songs, music, lyrics, music score, musician's history and things of that kind. But she has to turn to me to ask me what her friends are studying in uni, what gift to buy for one friend ... I actually filed up all her friends' likes and dislikes through the years that I have chosen some very suitable gifts on her behalf.
One old friend of mine who was in denial throughout her sons' upbringing finally admitted it took her about six years to help her son to learn January to December. She sent her son to a Chinese elementary school. The Mandarin way of naming the months is 1 month, 2 month, 3 month instead of January, February, March ... Of course it was difficult for him to learn the English way of naming the months while he was studying in a Chinese environment. It probably made no sense for him at that point to learn such "nonsense". Anyway, he is studying in a premier Australian university now. All that struggle is worth it. But during those frustrating years, either the son, the mom or both would end up crying after half an hour's session together working on things of this kind.
Through my years of working with LD, I have not come across two individuals that have the same problems. While we can kind of categorize the type of similar problems, no one can draw a line and say that dyslexia is like this and autism is like that. Problems often overlap. What works for one child may not necessarily work for another. If you don't love children and have no extra patience to put up with their idiosyncrasies, special education is probably not for you. If you have an LD child and you lack patience to teach him or her, then be prepared to go out and make plenty of money to pay specialist tutors to do your job.
Friday, June 1, 2012
(964) Steps for parents with LD children
The following steps are extracted from "Does your child have Learning Disability?" by Henrylito Tacio, published in Reader's Digest December 2002.
1. Start with books
Start your children young with reading aloud books like Hop on Pop or The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss. This will promote "phonemic awareness" which is the ability to recognize a word's separate, distinct sounds.
2. Watch for warnings
At age six or seven, a child who is English speaking would have picked up that there are more than 40 spoken sounds corresponding to the 26 letters and a combination. Test the child, ask him or her for words that rhyme with cat. The answers should be mat, hat and rat. If he or she said kitty or meow, that shows an inability to break down a word into sounds.
3. Call the doctor
Even if your paediatrician is not a LD expert, he can eliminate eye and ear problems and then refer you to the relevant expert.
4. Go to the Teacher
Parents with concerns should ask the teacher about the child's achievements in readings and other subjects. If the parents have noticed specific problems, for example the child has problems following a series of instructions, the teacher would be able to add to the parents' observation. Should the parents and teacher need further assistance, they can look to professional evaluation.
5. Study the school
It is recommended to keep LD children with their peers as much as possible but to provide them with special help in small group on a regular basis. For severe reading disabilities, experts recommend one-on-one instruction for at least half an hour daily.
6. Teach at home
Parents should be knowledgeable about LD. Follow up with the assignments the experts have given to the child. At every opportunity, teach informally using magnetic letters on the fridge and product names on the packages in the supermarket. Let your children help in the kitchen, in the process get the child to count and learn to divide or add food items.
7. Use technology
Use computer learning software to level the playing field for your LD Child. Help him or her by buying children's books with accompanying CD.
8. Get outside help
Hire a tutor recommended by the school if your child is still struggling. There are Dyslexia Associations in different countries and regions within the country. There are NGOs helping children with learning disabilities. Parents need to meet with other parents who have succeeded in helping their children overcome LD. Face it, we all need to share experiences and encourage one another.
And if you will indulge me, I would add that prayer helps tremendously. Pray for God's healing. Pray for dedicated teachers, wonderful mentors, loving friends and supportive neighbours.
1. Start with books
Start your children young with reading aloud books like Hop on Pop or The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss. This will promote "phonemic awareness" which is the ability to recognize a word's separate, distinct sounds.
2. Watch for warnings
At age six or seven, a child who is English speaking would have picked up that there are more than 40 spoken sounds corresponding to the 26 letters and a combination. Test the child, ask him or her for words that rhyme with cat. The answers should be mat, hat and rat. If he or she said kitty or meow, that shows an inability to break down a word into sounds.
3. Call the doctor
Even if your paediatrician is not a LD expert, he can eliminate eye and ear problems and then refer you to the relevant expert.
4. Go to the Teacher
Parents with concerns should ask the teacher about the child's achievements in readings and other subjects. If the parents have noticed specific problems, for example the child has problems following a series of instructions, the teacher would be able to add to the parents' observation. Should the parents and teacher need further assistance, they can look to professional evaluation.
5. Study the school
It is recommended to keep LD children with their peers as much as possible but to provide them with special help in small group on a regular basis. For severe reading disabilities, experts recommend one-on-one instruction for at least half an hour daily.
6. Teach at home
Parents should be knowledgeable about LD. Follow up with the assignments the experts have given to the child. At every opportunity, teach informally using magnetic letters on the fridge and product names on the packages in the supermarket. Let your children help in the kitchen, in the process get the child to count and learn to divide or add food items.
7. Use technology
Use computer learning software to level the playing field for your LD Child. Help him or her by buying children's books with accompanying CD.
8. Get outside help
Hire a tutor recommended by the school if your child is still struggling. There are Dyslexia Associations in different countries and regions within the country. There are NGOs helping children with learning disabilities. Parents need to meet with other parents who have succeeded in helping their children overcome LD. Face it, we all need to share experiences and encourage one another.
And if you will indulge me, I would add that prayer helps tremendously. Pray for God's healing. Pray for dedicated teachers, wonderful mentors, loving friends and supportive neighbours.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
(962) A Slap
Many years ago, I was visiting some cousins in the next country. We were sitting in the kitchen having dinner when my eldest cousin walked in. He deliberately walked right up to the second eldest girl and asked,"What did you think you were doing just now?"
She answered,"Just having tea with my colleague after work!"
He raised his arm and gave her a tight slap. It took her by surprise, I could see the red marks of five fingers. He said to nobody in particular,"That was a married man who would swallow little girls. Unless you are not my sister, I will really give you a sound beating if you dare to sit with him alone at a table again." Then he walked off while the stricken girl started weeping.
At that time she was freshly out of school, probably not even seventeen years old. After a painful and humiliating slap, she must have watched her steps carefully. Today she is happily married to a fine husband with children.
Normally that is the duty of the father. But in this case, the eldest male sibling acted fast to prevent any further entanglement and heart ache.
She answered,"Just having tea with my colleague after work!"
He raised his arm and gave her a tight slap. It took her by surprise, I could see the red marks of five fingers. He said to nobody in particular,"That was a married man who would swallow little girls. Unless you are not my sister, I will really give you a sound beating if you dare to sit with him alone at a table again." Then he walked off while the stricken girl started weeping.
At that time she was freshly out of school, probably not even seventeen years old. After a painful and humiliating slap, she must have watched her steps carefully. Today she is happily married to a fine husband with children.
Normally that is the duty of the father. But in this case, the eldest male sibling acted fast to prevent any further entanglement and heart ache.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
(956) The Dreamer, the Schemer & the Robe by Jenny Cote
A few days ago I read Cote's first book and I like it. Now I am wondering how this second book could be better. Yet I think if I were to ask my child who is an English Literature major, she would answer that it is because the author has had more time and space to develop the characters better.
By now I can see the greedy plump cat Al, the trim and intellectual female cat Liz, the brave terrier Max and his "wife" Kate in my mind's eye. I could just imagine what they would do in the next chapter. That is the advantage of reading a second book in a series.
Joseph and his many colored robe is a very familiar story in Sunday school. Cote was able to bring it down to an every day level with interesting side stories and make the main story come to life. If parents are looking for books to show their children how to live a life of faith by listening and obeying God, this is the book that they should buy and leave it around the living room so that faith would rub off onto their off-springs.
By now I can see the greedy plump cat Al, the trim and intellectual female cat Liz, the brave terrier Max and his "wife" Kate in my mind's eye. I could just imagine what they would do in the next chapter. That is the advantage of reading a second book in a series.
Joseph and his many colored robe is a very familiar story in Sunday school. Cote was able to bring it down to an every day level with interesting side stories and make the main story come to life. If parents are looking for books to show their children how to live a life of faith by listening and obeying God, this is the book that they should buy and leave it around the living room so that faith would rub off onto their off-springs.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
(955) The worldly female
Have you heard of a term called worldly or global female, said in Cantonese? (Sai Kai Loi) I haven't until my friend used the term and explained it for me. I suspect it came from Singapore, as my friend resided in that island nation for many years.
She has a nephew who is gaga over a nineteen year old. While she tried not to meddle in the young folk's love life, she has to say something when he produced her glamorous photo to show her. I did not have a chance to see the shot. From what I heard, this young lady looks worldly wise and she is dressed like she is twenty nine. There is no trace of innocence left. To be undiplomatic, she looked well used. To give the stark truth, she is soiled with too many short term fun relationships.
It is interesting listening to how she gently chastises her nephew. She said that she is glad that her daughter is not after short term glamour and fun like this global female in question. It is important that her daughter is aiming for long term happiness, joy and peace in the her life. Similarly, my friend is glad that her son is not involved with any global female. Typically such ladies bring with them strife, fights, envy, unhappiness and lots of negative emotions and actions/reactions. As the glamorous global female dropped one man for another, the former lovers could be angry enough to kill her or the new contender. It is a dangerous life associating with such women.
I suppose it is entirely up to the smitten young man how he would react to such well meaning advice! He only lives once, so he has the right to choose fun and danger. Yet a life of fun and danger brings with it certain consequences that cannot be erased!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
(935) Helping her brother choose his bride?
I chose to marry a man who has a funny sense of humour. As a result there is much laughter and silliness in my house.
Since young, each of my children is given a voice. Even if a child said something that bordered on being a nonsense rhyme, he or she would be heard once. Indeed Kenneth used to quot the dozens of nonsense rhymes he memorised from those huge volumes I borrowed from the public library. It was a competition to guess at what our budding bard was trying to say. I usually win because whatever and however many books I borrowed, I was the only one who have read every single page of every volume I chose to lug home.
You see, I was so poor as a child that the few books I owned were prizes I won at school. The only reading materials I could afford to buy was old Reader's Digest that I bought at every jumble sale or fund raiser. One summer I bought and read 137 different copies at twenty cents each (I think I was 16 then) . Elizabeth asked where are they now? Good question! I would buy and sell them because my mum who is an excellent house cleaner would not allow any old copies to be kept in her house for long. It was not unusual that I had to kill silver worms and ear-wigs before those volumes were allowed entrance.
Once, I borrowed a book on Russian folk tales (when my children were young). There was a story on magic - a man unwittingly chose to marry an evil witch. Kenneth was concerned, he asked me why that unfortunate man was not protected by his family and village. I explained that it was on the man's own head because he did not ask his parents' for their blessings. He decided and went to carry out his own wishes without bringing the girl and chaperone home to meet his parents.
Elizabeth was in the car. As Kenneth (age 9) asked if he could either bring the girl home or maybe I could go to his place to check on his choice when the time comes. Elizabeth made a gagging noise and went on to tease her brother for wanting to get married. Then she said that she also wanted a say in determining whom her brother marries. Now, if you have met Elizabeth when she was young, you would have realized that her overwhelming sanguine and strong choleric make up would not allow anyone to wriggle out of making a promise to her.
In the end, I explained things this way to Kenneth: suppose if there are five maids awaiting, and Kenneth wittled the choice down to three. And each of the three are just as good and desirable, then there is no harm letting his busy body bossy sister choose the lucky bride. Since Kenneth is very fond of Elizabeth, he promised that if it happens as I postulates, she would be given a say.
Kenneth is a few hundred miles away now. He is in a Linguistic course now and the ratio of women to men is like 3:1. So far, the only girl he kept talking about (from his study group) has a boy friend in another faculty. Yes, he remembered his promise to his sister. Whether he carries it out or not is entirely up to him. If he does, he would have the extra blessing and certainty that he made the right choice. For Elizabeth has a perfect track record in choosing girl friends for herself, I have not had the slightest problem in telling her to distant herself from any of her choices. The only girl I disapprove of is her good friend's best friend. Now that her good friend is in College A, that best friend is in College B, they hardly see each other. And Elizabeth had not met them in six months. No sweat!
(934) Child brought up by grandparents
This is a story of Aurora's brother. We met Aurora in Hopscotch (Learning disability). I would imagine him to be as intelligent as the sister. In fact, his mum told me that he used to do better in elementary school compared to the elder sister, they were born one year apart.
As the mother was working full time in a demanding family business, number two child was taken care by his paternal grandparents in a nearby town. Either the parents returned to visit the younger child during the week ends or the grand parent drove up with the younger child to visit weekly. And so it remained like that until the boy was to go into Grade One. For that year, the caring grandma spent an entire year to help the boy adjust to his family. Thereafter, the boy spends his school days with his immediate family but as soon as holidays start, he would go to his grand parents'.
When the boy was about twelve years old, his grand parents moved to a house a few streets away from his own family. Now that distance is no longer a barrier, he hardly spend any nights with his immediate family members. Under the care of permissive aged grand parents, he started frequenting cyber cafes. Once he mixed around bigger boys who no longer went for higher education, he lost interest in his studies. He barely graduated from High School. To stop him from the life style of going out until the wee hours of the night, they encouraged him to work in a hill station. At least for twenty three nights a month, he would be safe in his hostel. As for the week he gets off monthly, they just keep their fingers crossed that nothing untoward would happen to him.
In this family's case, the boy was handed over to the grandparents because he and Aurora was born just one year apart. Since both parents were working at demanding jobs, father a bank employee and mum running a business with long hours. The grandparents were merely trying to help. It is sometimes difficult to space the children. Those who are successful in spacing the children far apart may end up having less children than desired.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
(899) My mother the monster
The other day I met my daughter's friend's mother. While the friend was growing up, her parents were working abroad for many years. Since they were working illegally, from ages six to sixteen, this poor girl did not get any visit from her parents.
Now that the friend was grown, her mother finally came back. At first the friend refused to see her mother. Later, after some intervention of relatives, a meeting was arranged. Things were made very clear during the meeting. The young girl claimed that while she needed a mom, the mother was missing in action. All the maintenance that contributed to her upbringing actually came from her dad. She feels she is old enough to be on her own two feet now and does not need any mother.
While all these was going on, the mother that left her children to be with her husband really had a terrible time across the seas. First her husband got into some trouble involving gambling debts. Next he had a mistress. It is futile arguing about whether the mother did send money home, as it was quite obvious she must have been bailing her husband out financially in the beginning. It is well that in the end she was able to save up a sum to purchase a house and set herself up as a street vendor upon her return.
And so the story drags on, the daughter blamed everything on the monster that happened to be her biological mother. I wonder if she would treat her stepmother any better should dad return with her? Meanwhile those who counsel the original mother said that as long as she is too proud to eat humble pie, she would stand to lose a grown daughter. Looking at the situation, I see poverty, loyalty that was betrayed, sacrifice, and generally the lot of an Asian woman working illegally overseas. In this particular case, she was smart enough to ensure that she is financially independent after her divorce, else she would be a dead duck!! Imagine her strength in overcoming all the obstacles! In spite of everything against her, she was still making a living and weathering the storms.
Friday, April 20, 2012
(895) A remarkable couple
Mr Grey worked in an educational institution. Mrs Grey was an artist. They lived in a small little house with their lovable daughters. They are not rich. Yet their house was filled with fun, laughter, guests, and music. Often times the house was dusty. I actually had to clear the sink and wash quite a few items to get myself a mug to make coffee in. But some how it was always a good experience visiting them. They were warm, they were loving. They encouraged me when I was sad. They brought out the best in me. It was in their house that I found myself an exciting and much sought after story teller. You see, without them, I probably would not be writing these tales for you to enjoy today.
An expensive house without love and laughter is not a home. A perfectly clean residence usually causes guests to feel ill at ease. All the luxury in this world could not buy a genuine good time.
Looking back, I recall the elder girl, Caroline, as the brainy one. Years later I heard that Caroline joined Yale, an ivy league college. The younger girl, Betsy, was probably having Attention Deficit problem. She had a fair bit of difficulty with spelling, too. It is not this that I remember most, it is how both Mr. and Mrs. Grey were equally accepting and encouraging to both their girls. With such exceptional parents, I am sure both children would have turned out well.
* coral clock 3d screensaver-45155 from brothersoft.com
(893) Hopscotch therapy
Just yesterday I was reading a book describing a far away country. The author related how from the window of a moving train he saw children playing hop scotch.
As a child, I spent many happy moments playing hop scotch on the dirt floor outside my grandma's squatter house. It was also one of the favourite games in primary school in the nineteen sixties.
Season after season flew by and by the time my children were born, computer games and game boys were what children in the late nineteen nineties chose. Being a nostalgic person, I would acquire some color chalk, draw on the cement floor and teach my children, nephews, nieces and their friends the 'aeroplane' hop scotch. Looking at how some of them struggled, I then realized how much physical games train a child in terms of balance and co-ordination.
When my daughter was in Grade One, her classmate used to come to our house at least two nights a week to do their homework together. All went well until it came to addition in Maths where the numbers they added bring them to carry tens or twenties from the digit column to the tens columns. There Aurora would either get the total wrong or she would forget to carry. Should she have gotten the digit column correct, the tens column would be out or vice versa.
I was obviously tearing my hair out, not angry at the girl; more of being frustrated at my inability to teach her. My son stepped in and suggested that we use a container; should there be one 'ten' to carry, we put in one chip. Then we introduced an extra step: (1) One chip for one 'ten', (2) Before writing down the 'ten' column total, we look at the plastic container. So far so good; as long as we did it step by step, guiding her along, she would get it right.
Then we jubilantly let her do the rest with less and less guidance. The results were mixed; should she remember to check the container, then she would successfully carry that ten. After Aurora went home, we shared our frustration with my husband. He asked a lot of questions. At the end he said that for whatever reason, Aurora had no storage space or 'buffer' apart from her main working area in her head. Oh dear, how would one go about creating a new register within a human brain?
It is now more than ten years later; I honestly cannot recall if we just stumbled on the solution?! Or did I pray and dream about the solution? One thing I do recall is seeing a book in the town council library about a snail hop scotch. I drew it and tested the game with my son. Then we played it once with both my son and daughter.
You may not believe it, but we had to simplify it for Aurora. The first day we just taught her the mechanics of alternating two feet with one foot around the circle (In terms of maths, it is like adding single digits not amounting to ten.). The next session we taught her going around to reach the center, turning around and retracing her steps to the beginning (like remembering to start adding from the right, moving onto the left). Then we had to teach her to pick up a stone before starting (like noting that we need to carry a 'ten'), then having to remember to drop the stone in the center before the about turn to get out of the circle (to remember to add the 'ten' or 1 to the 'tens' column).
It really took her an entire week of daily learning and practicing before she could do all of it together. Of course we had fun playing. My son was tall and had wide feet; his weakest point was stepping and erasing chalk line. I would try hopping in all the narrow confined boxes and get all out of breath. My daughter found it the easiest; she was tiny, quick and nimble.
The funny thing was, around the time Aurora could finally win the snail hop scotch, she also ceased having problems totting up multiple numbers into a final total. Somehow, the concrete physical actions to remember created the extra register space to keep track of 'carrying' for arithmetic.
* frogspawn-coral-lg from fishlore.com
(889) Force field of self control
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keep himself under control.
Bernard was sharing about how he taught his children on anger management. When we are talking to children, we have to explain things at their level. As the father of three boys close in ages, Bernard often need to act as their peace maker. He finds that when the boy under attack has a good grasp of self control, nothing the other two did or said could cause the victim to lash out in revenge.
Since the younger generation loves gaming and has their set of vocabulary, why don’t we make use of that? In this case he explained about how each person’s self-control and peace of mind are like a force field. If the force field is strong, then comments and criticism could not enter and do harm. The reverse is true when the force field is weak, the smallest attack could get through and hurt.
When one child gets irritated with small incidents, he would point out that he has to adjust and strengthen his force field. It works as the idea is communicated across well and his children respond by adjusting internal condition rather than lash out because of external provocation.
* flower-clipart-3.jpg from karenwhimsy.com
Saturday, April 14, 2012
(883) House Rules by Jodi Picoult
It was an emotional experience reading a second book by Picoult in close succession.
In House Rules, we have a single mother who was struggling to bring up two boys, the elder boy was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. The Aspie brother displayed an obsessive interest in crime scene investigation. He was somehow involved when his social skills tutor, a female graduate student, disappeared and later found killed. Much of the book related what happened in the court as this Aspie boy was charged with murder.
I suppose I am a typical woman who spent the greater part of my adult life bringing up my children. I have much to be thankful for that none of my children displays any hall mark Asperger's symptoms. It was much easier in comparison to deal with mild to mid range symptoms of dyslexia.
After reading this book, I begin to understand why my cousin was feeling so low when he told me there was no chance for his only daughter to enter his alma mater (Stanford University) as she was diagnosed with Autism.
In House Rules, we have a single mother who was struggling to bring up two boys, the elder boy was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. The Aspie brother displayed an obsessive interest in crime scene investigation. He was somehow involved when his social skills tutor, a female graduate student, disappeared and later found killed. Much of the book related what happened in the court as this Aspie boy was charged with murder.
I suppose I am a typical woman who spent the greater part of my adult life bringing up my children. I have much to be thankful for that none of my children displays any hall mark Asperger's symptoms. It was much easier in comparison to deal with mild to mid range symptoms of dyslexia.
After reading this book, I begin to understand why my cousin was feeling so low when he told me there was no chance for his only daughter to enter his alma mater (Stanford University) as she was diagnosed with Autism.
(882) My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
Probably more people watched the movie than read this book. According to Elizabeth, the movie has a better ending than the book. I have a bad habit, when I run short of time in reading I would turn to the last page and find out the ending. Elizabeth(my daughter), warned me against doing that with this book.
For those of my readers who have not read the book, I will not reveal anymore of the ending. It suffices to say that reading this book gave me a different perspective in seeking treatment for diseases such as leukemia. I actually have a sister-in-law who went through the nine steps in caring for a child who could die any moment until she had a successful bone marrow transplant. Years ago, when she was at wit's end with her daughter's treatment, she asked me what would I do if Elizabeth, my youngest, needed a bone marrow transplant. I replied without any hesitation that I would mortgage my house, borrow or beg for charity to treat until there is no more possible treatment. If it comes to that, I told her, then I would let her die in a dignified manner at home. Now that I really sat down to go through an entire medical history of Katie(the patient in the book), I am not sure I would tell any mother what I told my sister-in-law years ago.
I am glad that my sister-in-law did borrow enough money and found a matching donor for the bone marrow transplant. It was a success and her daughter lives normally now.
For those of my readers who have not read the book, I will not reveal anymore of the ending. It suffices to say that reading this book gave me a different perspective in seeking treatment for diseases such as leukemia. I actually have a sister-in-law who went through the nine steps in caring for a child who could die any moment until she had a successful bone marrow transplant. Years ago, when she was at wit's end with her daughter's treatment, she asked me what would I do if Elizabeth, my youngest, needed a bone marrow transplant. I replied without any hesitation that I would mortgage my house, borrow or beg for charity to treat until there is no more possible treatment. If it comes to that, I told her, then I would let her die in a dignified manner at home. Now that I really sat down to go through an entire medical history of Katie(the patient in the book), I am not sure I would tell any mother what I told my sister-in-law years ago.
I am glad that my sister-in-law did borrow enough money and found a matching donor for the bone marrow transplant. It was a success and her daughter lives normally now.
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